Can't Write Down.

When it isn't like it should be
'cause I think it like it'll never be
Will there be a place for me?
No one's ever waiting.
I've sold so many clothes that I don't know who I am
And I lose myself each time in lost and forgotten plans
it's up, it's down
constantly spinning around
It's from womb to grave
love does not save.

I'm mostly singing myself to sleep
so all the quarters you can keep
the broken hearts are free
(you vandals ruin me)
a big blade falling, I always seem to see
luckily it misses
there is no exit, only wishes.
And hope is always ten feet tall
In reverie I sort through it all
The red balloons, the frozen night
Make myself feel alright
Make myself believe in you
then crawl all the way home-what I've been born to do.

Maybe one day I'll see the ten sunset lights
let it all go, feel the warm nights
seal up the boards
and find purpose for that day in 1984.

February 22, 2011.

Maybe I should paint my nails pink
and learn how to think
Nothing works, so live with nothing working
No one cares, so be the one who's caring
On my own.
Still now I live for later days,
knowing it should be everyday
But each time a laugh, I begin to choke
It's never had to do with smoke
You can tell by the color of my face
my body's just putting me in my place
Maybe I should let the polish peel
and learn how to feel
I love too much, I could try stopping
I'm always cold inside, I might pile on the clothing
On my own.
They're bare and color gone,
I still find things to carry on
The music plays, so listening
Friends are far, but we get togethering
On our own.


But now we must pick up every piece
Of the life we used to love
Just to keep ourselves
At least enough to carry on

April 13, 2011.

I do what I need to
cause it's what I have to
I don't even know you

or you
or you
or you
or anyone

And I'm never going to
Do we get what we can handle
or are meant to have a handle on?
I guess my life was never fit
for another life attached to it
Too much time spent on words or hair
but if I already caught your mind then I'd already be there

April 2011.

'm never gonna know you now
and I was never going to know you then
but it's still nice to pretend
I still don't know anything that I didn't know before
My handwriting has modified, but these words still bring no cure
Pencil shapes have gone in reverse
everything ends up feeling like a curse
a mental block of monumental proportions
of slowly dying off aspirations
I'm on a roll ready to stop
onward toward my next biggest flop
at least i can come out on top
if I can keep from going under
I still have "what if's" to wonder
and the facts are never held in it
so i claim anything up to an accident.

April 20, 2011.

So it's the same
and it's every other time
so one sided
feeling divided
I sort through the images each day
smiling & staring, two faces or a vase
slowly pacing since I'm afraid to stand still
someone's already around the corner facing the kill
when uncertainty is my greatest thrill
I tried to woo you with paints and words
then fought off those feelings with fists and swords
my black hole plague mind never let me be
now all I do is suffocate in sleep

June 2011. 6.

New camera, new lens
New mind to decipher what I see
New paper, new pens
New hand to draw perfectly
Same slowly aged me
I could trace the lines so carefully
I could point the dots so perfectly
But it won't hurry what's meant to be
I always feel like there's something
big waiting for me.

June 2011. 5.

I don't know what I want
unsure of what I need
I feel close to no one
Nothing.
Music is now background noise
Static without healing properties
I don't care about anyone the way
I cared about you
it's dead now
There's no one there
Pointless from the inside out
weird round face
I don't have the key to come home to myself
And the windows are up too high to peek inside
I imagine everything dimly lit in there
And maybe the laughter is not at me
I stared at a picture of myself for hours trying to come to terms
Long way from home.